If only

God if only i knew then what i know now. I did find what i thought i wanted and i turns out that it wasn't everything i dreamed of. The first guy i found to love me was Jamaine dupree lee dennis. He really did love me which was what i wanted right. So what was the problem then? I couldn't no matter how hard i tried love him back. When we were together i was miserable. I hated everyday that we were together. I think part of it was because it was my first relationship and i was eager to see what else was out there. The second was Cody micheal Fischer. He was my first pity relationship. It only lasted three days I couldn't keep lying to him. People can't read me as well as they think they can. Everyone was so convinced that i was into Cody but i wasn't. Again I tried but i couldn't bring myself to love him. Especially since there was Chris. Christopher Joseph Miller. The first boy to break my heart. It's funny how i finally fall for someone but they couldn't love me back. I guess it's karma. We only dated for about two months. And we really only connected on weekends but i guess those weekends were enough to keep me hooked because when he cut it off it cut me deep. I often think of my relationship with him as an addiction. Like a drug he could always get me high, figuratively speaking of course,and i couldn't stand to be away from him. After he cut it off i still wanted him,needed him. Now i still want him but not as bad as i used to. I know i don't need him though. Like an addict off of drugs they still think about it every once in awhile. You never forget an addiction. Maybe it all goes back to wanting to be loved. I just wish my 15 year old self knew what my 16 year old self knows now.

No place like home

They say there's no place like home. And obviously it takes being away from home to realise that. I've been gone from home for two weeks. I just got back and now I want to leave again. It's not like I went anywhere fun and exciting I just went to a friends. Whenever I'm here I get this feeling of loneliness like there's something missing in my life. Well I guess it's because I want someone to love me. I mean of course my family loves me and I have friends who care about me but I want something greater than that. Gosh even as I'm saying this I feel stupid. I know I'm not supposed to care about this stuff since I'm only 15 but ,you know, everyone wants to be loved whether they want to admit it or not. I just hate saying to people "Man I want a boyfriend." because that sounds so desperate. I don't want people to think I'm pethetic and needy I just hate being alone. It sucks.

What time is it??

Okay so i started a post yesterday but then i clicked on something and all was lost. And then today I slept until 8 at night. I don't know how I did it but i did. And I was starving. But in good news I get to go camping for the next 4 days. I leave tomorrow for viking lake and then when I come back on Sunday I'm leaving again with my two bestest friends in the world :). Even though one drives me completely insane I still love her and am excited to hangout with her. In more bad news I know I wont to get to see Alan at all this summer; I get this pang in my stomach, and well it really sucks. Is it possible to miss someone that you never really got to know? Well i was actually planning on getting to know him next year but I'm not sure if I can wait until the next school year.

Finally Home

So I just got home from my friends house today and I probably had the worst time ever. Despite the fact that I have done nothing wrong her dad absolutly hates me. He's convinced that i'm a liar. What did I do to make him think that? Nothing that's what. It probably has something to do with where I live which is so sterotypical. Just because I live in the bad part of the city I'm a bad person. I can't stand people who act like they know who you are before they even know you're name. It hurts to be hated for something you did but it hurts so much more to be hated for something you didn't do.

Alan

OK so the first thing that popped into my head was Alan. And of course you don't know who that is but i do and that's all that matters. He's got to be one of the most awkward kids at our school yet i can't seem to help but adore him. He's so smart and he knows how to respect a girl. Too bad he's all rapped up in that other girl. Lets just call her Tina. Alan likes Tina but she doesn't "like him that way". Everyone likes Tina though she could have her pick of the lot. I could tell Alan that I like him but that's just not something that's easy for me to do. A lot of my friends think he's weird but i just find him fascinating. When he walks down the hallway he looks all dark and mysterious which i think is kind of sexy. I haven't really told anyone that I like him yet and I'm not exactly sure if i will because well that's just how I roll.

I was just sitting at my computer when i should really be in bed

I was just sitting here at my computer, when i should really be in bed and i though to myself "I shoud really make a blog." I mean as long as no one else can i read it everything should be all good. So I could post some of my deepest thoughts on here and it wouldn't really matter if someone actually did read it because they wouldn't really know who i am. It would be nice to get some things off my chest. So from now on I'm gonna try to get on everyday and post things that I only could possibly care about.