If only

God if only i knew then what i know now. I did find what i thought i wanted and i turns out that it wasn't everything i dreamed of. The first guy i found to love me was Jamaine dupree lee dennis. He really did love me which was what i wanted right. So what was the problem then? I couldn't no matter how hard i tried love him back. When we were together i was miserable. I hated everyday that we were together. I think part of it was because it was my first relationship and i was eager to see what else was out there. The second was Cody micheal Fischer. He was my first pity relationship. It only lasted three days I couldn't keep lying to him. People can't read me as well as they think they can. Everyone was so convinced that i was into Cody but i wasn't. Again I tried but i couldn't bring myself to love him. Especially since there was Chris. Christopher Joseph Miller. The first boy to break my heart. It's funny how i finally fall for someone but they couldn't love me back. I guess it's karma. We only dated for about two months. And we really only connected on weekends but i guess those weekends were enough to keep me hooked because when he cut it off it cut me deep. I often think of my relationship with him as an addiction. Like a drug he could always get me high, figuratively speaking of course,and i couldn't stand to be away from him. After he cut it off i still wanted him,needed him. Now i still want him but not as bad as i used to. I know i don't need him though. Like an addict off of drugs they still think about it every once in awhile. You never forget an addiction. Maybe it all goes back to wanting to be loved. I just wish my 15 year old self knew what my 16 year old self knows now.